Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
