so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
