I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
