I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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