i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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