Heybabeimwearingurpanties
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
