i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i drank out of a bidet.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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