so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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