He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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