I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
