my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
