My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
