I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
