We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
