just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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