i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
