We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
