Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
