she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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