i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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