So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
