Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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