Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
the liver wants what the liver wants
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
