Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
did i walk over a car last night?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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