A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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