I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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