His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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