Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
