I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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