when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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