Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize