you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
