im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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