apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
