My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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