Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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