she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
