Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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