It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
