Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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