Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize