3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
