Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize