I intend to get homeless drunk
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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