Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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