dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
