Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
