What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
