If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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