I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
