Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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