Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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