I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize