She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
