these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
