remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
