He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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